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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27086626">Songs I Can't Listen To</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magellan88/pseuds/Magellan88'>Magellan88</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 02:40:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,222</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27086626</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magellan88/pseuds/Magellan88</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Steve woke up, nothing was right. He missed Bucky. This is his journey to finding himself and being ok...and then finding Bucky as well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Songs I Can't Listen To</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There's a song that I love</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That you once played for me</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It had all the right chords</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And a sweet melody</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Steve sits in his apartment looking out of the large window. Everything behind him looks like a time capsule at first glance, but if anyone were to look closer they'd see it for what it was, a poor attempt at replicating his old life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The SHIELD agent who'd brought him here looked so proud of their hard work, they'd tried to make it look like his home in the forties would have. Unfortunately no one had seemed to remember that Steve had grown up poor. He'd never had most of the things that now filled his apartment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yes there had been a couch, a rug and even a radio. But the radio had barely worked, Bucky had constantly been forced to take it apart and fiddle with it until it worked again. The rug had been a ratty, threadbare thing left from his ma. And the couch was missing three of its legs and was supported by books instead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not that they had cared. Their home was small, drafty and half of the time the furnace was broken, but it had been home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now he looked around at all of the expensive retro style furnishings and he'd never felt more out of place. Even the music no longer sounded the same. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was Brooklyn, his home. But his home was gone, his home had fallen from a train that was barely a month ago for him. Not that anyone seemed to remember that, to everyone else, it had been seventy years. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve was in mourning.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was back when we started</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When there was mystery</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now they've all been erased</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On my music machine</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He'd gone to the museums only to leave in anger. It was full of lies. The rings found in their trunks had been displayed separately, the plaques beneath them claiming they'd belonged to Steve's father and Bucky's grandfather. They couldn't be more wrong. Steve had locked himself away in SHIELD's gym, breaking bag after bag as the agents who wondered in marveled at his strength and whispered their sadness over Peggy, the reason they had assumed he was so emotional. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And it's all because of you</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I've got a list of songs I can't listen to</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it's all because we're through</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I've got a list of songs I can't listen to</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Steve hated press conferences, no, he loathed them. He always got the same questions "how are you adapting?" "How shocking was it to see all of the changes?" "What was your reaction to homosexuals being accepted, to women's liberation and the Civil rights movement?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As if he didn't live in the artist district surrounded by gay bars and drag queens. As if he hadn't led the first integrated unit. As if his ma hadn't marched for women's lib and brought him with her even as a child. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one wanted his real answers and while he always spoke out in support for these issues which were near and dear to his heart, no one wanted to report on a liberal Captain America.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> No one wanted to hear how he was adapting well, technology came easy to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one wanted to hear him speaking out in support for veterans and be honest about his PTSD. It didn't fit the carefully crafted image that had been put forth in his absence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It made him wonder if those who had truly known him, had covered up every "unsavory" thing about him in order to give the nation the straight, rule following patriot that the government thought necessary. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It grated on his nerves and made him yearn for Bucky. Bucky with his cerulean eyes that were always filled with laughter. Bucky who would tease him about fighting but had always trusted him and known how strong he was, even as a ninety pound asthmatic. Bucky who had no fear of taking him on the cyclone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky who had kissed him on his fifteenth birthday and finally told him he loved him. Bucky who had stood by while he and Peggy kept up the appearance of being in love, only to meet Steve in their tent later and take him into his arms, shielding him from the war and letting him break under the weight now placed on his shoulders. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And do you still sing alone</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When you're all by yourself</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or do you switch to the next one</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sing for somebody else</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was another gala at Stark tower, he had a date inside, someone Natasha had sprung on him after he'd managed to dodge her every attempt at setting him up on dates. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She'd even managed to drag Tony into her schemes. Of course all of these were predictable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony would set him up with women who were quiet, with conservatives looks in deference to his "old timey sensibilities" as Tony put it. There was nothing really </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong </span>
  </em>
  <span>with any of these women. They were all beautiful and smart in their own way. The problem is they weren't his type. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This time they had stayed from the quiet blondes and gone for a woman with brown hair, who was stubborn and brilliant. It was painfully obvious they were trying to make her remind him of Peggy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It had the opposite effect. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hearing a throat clear behind him, he turns and sees his date smiling at him and he smiles in return. Not a real smile, those hadn't appeared since before the ice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Your team adores you, you realize this right?" She leans against the railing beside him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I know, they're really great. Hard to deal with sometimes but at the end of the day, they mean well." He nods, sipping his drink and mourning his inability to even get a buzz. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"They trust you as well and want the best for you…" she pauses to make sure he's looking into her eyes before continuing "you should tell them you're gay and in mourning." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sputters in surprise "how...how did you know? Only one person in this century knows that." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Steve, I've been to the Smithsonian, I've seen the videos. You may have had Peggy in your compass, but you never looked at her the way you looked at Bucky." She grins, she'd been hesitant to accept this date, knowing he was unaware and having her suspicions about his relationship with Bucky but had hoped she could maybe ease his mind if she got to speak privately with him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He laughs softly, head shaking at the mention of his compass before removing said compass from his pocket, opening it before carefully removing Peggy's picture and turning it to her. He watches as her eyes widen at the picture beneath. Bucky smiled out at her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Did no one see this when they found you?" She looks up with wide, misty eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No, they didn't even think to look." He looks down, an achingly loving smile on his face as he replaces Peggy's picture before meeting her eyes again as he puts the compass away "m'not ready to date, plus I'm very gay...but i could use a friend, what d'ya say, doll. Wanna get outta here? I could really go for some waffles." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She grins, taking his offered arm as they leave. The team is watching and grinning. He knows what they think but it doesn't matter. Tomorrow he's leaving for DC, but tonight he's made a friend and while he still misses Bucky with an ache that will never leave and for the first time in a long time, his smile is real and he feels like he can handle the ache.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When you're cold don't forget</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How this song kept us warm</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You would dance on my bed</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I would lay in your arms</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>DC was different, he was again in an apartment that he didn't choose or design (not to mention that it was bugged to hell and back, plus there was an undercover agent next door) but he didn't mind the community. There were a lot of gay bars, he'd seen his first PRIDE parade. He had cried in his apartment that night. Seeing all of those people out celebrating together. Celebrating their right to love who they choose, it was surreal. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He and Bucky had always dreamed of walking down the street together holding hands, and now they could, but Bucky was no longer there. After he'd cried, he'd gone to the gym and destroyed a few more bags. The pain and sadness giving away temporarily to anger at the unfairness of it all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Natasha had come in towards the end and he finally opened up about everything. Bucky, his and Peggy's deception, all of it. It was the only time he'd ever seen her speechless and then she had pulled him into her arms. It was one of the first real hugs he'd had since waking up and he felt another piece of his heart click back into place. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was healing, slowly and painfully but still healing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And it's all because of you</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I've got a list of songs I can't listen to</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it's all because we're through</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I've got a list of songs I can't listen to</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Meeting Sam clicked another piece of his heart back into place. Here was someone who had been a soldier, who had watched his partner fall and been helpless to save him and who had chosen to help people as best he could once he was out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky would've liked Sam. Sam gave Steve hell, treated him like an ordinary person and called him out on his shit all while caring very deeply. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So of course he's exactly who Steve turned to when it all went to shit. Hydra was back. Of course it was, Steve was back so why not Hydra too, he was getting too old for this shit. He wanted to tell the world to get off his lawn. Even if it did make him sound every bit the old man he was chronologically. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And I wish the music didn't play forever</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>'Cause I'm feeling like a broken record</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And I wish the music didn't play forever</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>'Cause I'm feeling like a broken record</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it's all because of you</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Steve had thought he'd known pain and anger before. Back in Brooklyn when he was sick and weak, constantly getting into fights. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he'd gotten the serum only to lose Dr. Erskine seconds after. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he'd heard Bucky had been captured and was presumed dead because the army simply wasn't going to rescue the men.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he'd watched Bucky be shot at and fall from the train. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But all of those instances, every bit of pain and anger he'd experienced in his long life, couldn't compare to the pain of looking into the eyes of the love of his life, his soul mate, the other half of his being, and seeing no recognition at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky didn't know him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Bucky </span>
  </em>
  <span>didn't know him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky</span>
  <em>
    <span> didn't </span>
  </em>
  <span>know him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky didn't </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky didn't know </span>
  <em>
    <span>him. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve had know clue where to put the emphasis in that sentence. It simply didn't make sense in his brain. There was only one thing to do. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was going to burn it all to the ground. He would destroy worlds for Bucky, destroying SHIELD was nothing compared to the lengths he would go for that man. Without Bucky, Steve's incomplete, he's going to save him. He has to, there's simply no other option.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I've got a list of songs I can't listen to</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it's all because we're through</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I've got a list of songs I can't listen to</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it's all because of you</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I've got a list of songs I can't listen to</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it's all because we're through</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I've got a list of songs I can't listen to</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After it's all finished, after the helicarriers are in the Potomac, after Pierce is dead (entirely too quickly in his opinion but beggars can't be choosers) after Rumlow has been crushed in a building, after Steve had stopped fighting the man he loved, Steve wakes up on the riverbank. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His head is pillowed on a muscled thigh and he opens his eyes to see Bucky's staring back at him. Cerulean meeting sky blue for the first time in what feels like forever. This time there's no blankness. There's recognition. And Bucky...is...pissed...shit. Steve might be dead after all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"The brainwashing failed...i remember everything...we have got a </span>
  <em>
    <span>lot </span>
  </em>
  <span>to talk about Stephen Grant Rogers. As soon as you're all healed up, imma kill you. You're dead, d'ya hear me? Dead! Why are you laughing? You've got six broken ribs and a gunshot wound to your stomach! Stop laughing asshole!" Bucky looks furious, indignant and he's not amused as he looks down on the absolute moron that he'd put a ring on long before it was legal. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Beneath a tree, approximately thirty feet away, Sam leans against Natasha as they look on as Steve absolutely howls with laughter as the Winter Soldier threatens to dredge the river for his shield before braining him with it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They're going to be ok...Steve might not survive, but he'll die happy at least.</span>
</p>
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